My first boy...Tonight four years ago I settled in for my last good night of sleep. Not because you keep me up (you do, still). But because it was the last night you were safe inside, where I knew you were okay. Now, every single moment, even when you safe in my sight, it is like my heart is moving outside my body, like I am holding my breath, constantly begging God for you to be safe so that I can keep breathing.
I think it will always be like that. It will get harder to breathe as you keep growing, up, and out, and away. I hate it, and I love it. You walk into preschool with confidence and light up when you see me again, just two hours later, waiting at the door. I know days are coming when you won't be so excited to see me, and I want to hold on to right now, freeze time, beg God to make these days last longer.
You believe in yourself, unwaveringly. You know what you are good at, and you let us know. When you played soccer this year, watching your fans react was as exciting to you as playing the game. When you sang the loudest in your first performance, you told me "I am the star of the universe, right?" And you are. The star of our universe. My heart aches to think a day is coming when you might not believe in your intrinsic worth so easily.
You are daddy's boy. Already his mini me you want to walk, run, and do push ups just like him. You help with every task that needs a tool and you pull the garbage cans back up the drive way because it seems like a daddy job. Boy weekends are your favorite. Watching the two of you together is the greatest joy of my life.
You are learning to be a big brother. Your baby already watches you every minute. He saves his biggest smiles for you, as he should. You stop for kisses but it is hard to slow down. You are happy to babysit, always wanting to be in charge. Being the oldest is hard, I know, but you are sliding into your role, little by little.
You are learning to love Jesus and I am so proud. You ask questions about if God is good that I can't always answer, but you trust in his goodness anyway. You love His words. The story of how much God loves us, you already are beginning to recite and understand. I hope it becomes a part of you. You love people. You show empathy way beyond your years, wondering if kids have safe homes, daddys, toys, and food. You serve at church, in the small-big ways you can. And you proudly tell us "I am SUCH a servant"...humility... We will get there eventually.
You are just what I "ordered " from God. You are funny. Your sense of humor is already awesome. You make witty jokes ( no sleep til Brent comes!) and you are just sarcastic enough to make me laugh without being mean. You love people. You are a reader....we love to read together. I hope we always do. You ask good questions about your world and you work to find answers. You are just sassy enough to make me believe you will lead, not follow. Your view of the world brings joy to people who have never even met you.
I can't wait to watch you keep growing, see who you become. To see how you keep changing me. You are the boy who made me a mommy, who stretched me inside and out into a better, more selfless version of who I was. I will let you down again this year. I will yell. I will say no too quickly when I should say yes. I will say the wrong thing. I will over praise or under praise. I will pay too much attention to how clean my floors are and not enough to the worlds you create on them. But I hope in the midst of my shortcomings I create a safe jumping off place. A place for you to become who you are, to come back to when the world gets mean.
I love you so much, my sweet, growing boy.
Love,
Mommy
