My first boy...Tonight four years ago I settled in for my last good night of sleep. Not because you keep me up (you do, still). But because it was the last night you were safe inside, where I knew you were okay. Now, every single moment, even when you safe in my sight, it is like my heart is moving outside my body, like I am holding my breath, constantly begging God for you to be safe so that I can keep breathing.
I think it will always be like that. It will get harder to breathe as you keep growing, up, and out, and away. I hate it, and I love it. You walk into preschool with confidence and light up when you see me again, just two hours later, waiting at the door. I know days are coming when you won't be so excited to see me, and I want to hold on to right now, freeze time, beg God to make these days last longer.
You believe in yourself, unwaveringly. You know what you are good at, and you let us know. When you played soccer this year, watching your fans react was as exciting to you as playing the game. When you sang the loudest in your first performance, you told me "I am the star of the universe, right?" And you are. The star of our universe. My heart aches to think a day is coming when you might not believe in your intrinsic worth so easily.
You are daddy's boy. Already his mini me you want to walk, run, and do push ups just like him. You help with every task that needs a tool and you pull the garbage cans back up the drive way because it seems like a daddy job. Boy weekends are your favorite. Watching the two of you together is the greatest joy of my life.
You are learning to be a big brother. Your baby already watches you every minute. He saves his biggest smiles for you, as he should. You stop for kisses but it is hard to slow down. You are happy to babysit, always wanting to be in charge. Being the oldest is hard, I know, but you are sliding into your role, little by little.
You are learning to love Jesus and I am so proud. You ask questions about if God is good that I can't always answer, but you trust in his goodness anyway. You love His words. The story of how much God loves us, you already are beginning to recite and understand. I hope it becomes a part of you. You love people. You show empathy way beyond your years, wondering if kids have safe homes, daddys, toys, and food. You serve at church, in the small-big ways you can. And you proudly tell us "I am SUCH a servant"...humility... We will get there eventually.
You are just what I "ordered " from God. You are funny. Your sense of humor is already awesome. You make witty jokes ( no sleep til Brent comes!) and you are just sarcastic enough to make me laugh without being mean. You love people. You are a reader....we love to read together. I hope we always do. You ask good questions about your world and you work to find answers. You are just sassy enough to make me believe you will lead, not follow. Your view of the world brings joy to people who have never even met you.
I can't wait to watch you keep growing, see who you become. To see how you keep changing me. You are the boy who made me a mommy, who stretched me inside and out into a better, more selfless version of who I was. I will let you down again this year. I will yell. I will say no too quickly when I should say yes. I will say the wrong thing. I will over praise or under praise. I will pay too much attention to how clean my floors are and not enough to the worlds you create on them. But I hope in the midst of my shortcomings I create a safe jumping off place. A place for you to become who you are, to come back to when the world gets mean.
I love you so much, my sweet, growing boy.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Just Write: These First Six Weeks
These first six weeks are a hazy blur of newness. Your tiny new toes, your wee little lashes, your soft and then louder and louder new cries. You are so new I watch you sleep, because a bit of me worries you will disappear. How is it possible that six weeks ago you were still a part of me and now here you are, straight from heaven, here to stay? It seems like, no it is, a miracle. You weren't and now you are and you are mine.
Not mine for long, I know. I've learned a thing or two from your big brother. But you have your own lessons to teach me. My early days with you haven't been the lazy getting to know each other I was hoping for. They've been hurried, and worried, and full of tears (from us both). But slowly, we are getting there. Two days ago you smiled a sweet, milk drunk smile and I melted more in love with you. We are finally finding a rhythm, you and I. Sleeping, waking, nursing, smiling. Constantly adjusting, because while we revolve around each other, there is a whole other world fighting for our attention.
You look worried, scrunching up your little brow much of the day. I worry, hoping I am doing enough, responding quickly enough, nourishing you well enough.
Through sleepy eyes we stare at each other and I hope, for now, I am giving you what you need. I know I won't always. I know the time will come, slowly, then all at once when you will step, step, then run away from me. First towards your daddy, then quickly towards the great big world.
For now though, we'll snuggle a little closer together and I'll sneak another sniff of your sweet head. I imagine it still smells a little bit like heaven.
Not mine for long, I know. I've learned a thing or two from your big brother. But you have your own lessons to teach me. My early days with you haven't been the lazy getting to know each other I was hoping for. They've been hurried, and worried, and full of tears (from us both). But slowly, we are getting there. Two days ago you smiled a sweet, milk drunk smile and I melted more in love with you. We are finally finding a rhythm, you and I. Sleeping, waking, nursing, smiling. Constantly adjusting, because while we revolve around each other, there is a whole other world fighting for our attention.
You look worried, scrunching up your little brow much of the day. I worry, hoping I am doing enough, responding quickly enough, nourishing you well enough.
Through sleepy eyes we stare at each other and I hope, for now, I am giving you what you need. I know I won't always. I know the time will come, slowly, then all at once when you will step, step, then run away from me. First towards your daddy, then quickly towards the great big world.
For now though, we'll snuggle a little closer together and I'll sneak another sniff of your sweet head. I imagine it still smells a little bit like heaven.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Letter to Myself
I am bound and determined to finally, finally start writing here on a regular basis. I resolved back in January to finally start a blog and I re-resolved to actually do it during maternity leave.
But what to write? A quick Google search at two AM brought zillions of writing prompts, but mostly the advice to Just. Write. I'll try a little of both.
But I'll start with: write a letter to yourself ten years ago.
Oh sweet sixteen year old girl.
Right now you are lazing in the last of your easy summer days. Sleeping on trampolines with best friends. Exploring your ever expanding independence. Dropping off your boyfriend at college, wondering what comes next, trying to guard your heart.
But, it's about to get real. Real hard, then real, real good.
In a few months you'll learn that even though you and that college boyfriend are making it work with just hours between you, you are moving across the country. Your senior year. To the middle of nowhere. That's the real hard.
The real good, that you can't possibly wrap your head around yet? That across the country will push you and that boyfriend to make big commitments, commitments that are worth following through on. That senior year is going to bring a new friend who you will laugh with more in one afternoon than you have in years.That the middle of nowhere is going to have just the right people to grow you, change you into the grown up you're meant to be.
You can't imagine that as you journal, and read, and then grapple with God that ten years later you will still be doing that. You will still doubt, you will still question, you will still wonder. Despite that you will let Jesus lead you into loving in hard ways and at the hardest moments, the moments you are called to, that make everything up til then seem easy. You will find a confidence in Christ.
All those questions lead you to a good place, a place where you can keep asking questions, and keep loving Jesus.
You are so angry with your parents. Be careful what you say, because very, very soon they will be your friends. Then your best friends. You can't believe this now, but someday you will live in a tiny little steel mill town just to be able to ride to Walmart with your mom now and again.
Right now you want to be a nurse because it's interesting, because it will pay for college, because maybe you will be able to travel. You are going to love it. It won't actually pay for college, and you won't travel how you hope. But someday you will hold a dying woman's phone to her ear so her sister can say goodbye in the moment she passes. Someday you will squeeze blood into a dying new mother, until she isn't dying anymore. Someday you will sit and listen to an old man's stories instead of sitting in the nurses station, and it will change you both. You cannot imagine now, how much nursing will take out of you, or how much it will give back.
And right now, as you wonder what to do about that college boyfriend...take a deep breath. Take it one day at a time. Keep making choices you are proud of. Because loving him across the country is about to become loving him over a bunch of years. The life with him you imagine now is full of adventures. The life you will live with him...less full of adventures, more full of bills and spit up. But it's better. You can't imagine the daddy he'll be to your babies, and how in loving them and him together you love them all that much more.
It's going to get so good. Hold on and love yourself through it.
But what to write? A quick Google search at two AM brought zillions of writing prompts, but mostly the advice to Just. Write. I'll try a little of both.
But I'll start with: write a letter to yourself ten years ago.
Oh sweet sixteen year old girl.
Right now you are lazing in the last of your easy summer days. Sleeping on trampolines with best friends. Exploring your ever expanding independence. Dropping off your boyfriend at college, wondering what comes next, trying to guard your heart.
But, it's about to get real. Real hard, then real, real good.
In a few months you'll learn that even though you and that college boyfriend are making it work with just hours between you, you are moving across the country. Your senior year. To the middle of nowhere. That's the real hard.
The real good, that you can't possibly wrap your head around yet? That across the country will push you and that boyfriend to make big commitments, commitments that are worth following through on. That senior year is going to bring a new friend who you will laugh with more in one afternoon than you have in years.That the middle of nowhere is going to have just the right people to grow you, change you into the grown up you're meant to be.
You can't imagine that as you journal, and read, and then grapple with God that ten years later you will still be doing that. You will still doubt, you will still question, you will still wonder. Despite that you will let Jesus lead you into loving in hard ways and at the hardest moments, the moments you are called to, that make everything up til then seem easy. You will find a confidence in Christ.
All those questions lead you to a good place, a place where you can keep asking questions, and keep loving Jesus.
You are so angry with your parents. Be careful what you say, because very, very soon they will be your friends. Then your best friends. You can't believe this now, but someday you will live in a tiny little steel mill town just to be able to ride to Walmart with your mom now and again.
Right now you want to be a nurse because it's interesting, because it will pay for college, because maybe you will be able to travel. You are going to love it. It won't actually pay for college, and you won't travel how you hope. But someday you will hold a dying woman's phone to her ear so her sister can say goodbye in the moment she passes. Someday you will squeeze blood into a dying new mother, until she isn't dying anymore. Someday you will sit and listen to an old man's stories instead of sitting in the nurses station, and it will change you both. You cannot imagine now, how much nursing will take out of you, or how much it will give back.
And right now, as you wonder what to do about that college boyfriend...take a deep breath. Take it one day at a time. Keep making choices you are proud of. Because loving him across the country is about to become loving him over a bunch of years. The life with him you imagine now is full of adventures. The life you will live with him...less full of adventures, more full of bills and spit up. But it's better. You can't imagine the daddy he'll be to your babies, and how in loving them and him together you love them all that much more.
It's going to get so good. Hold on and love yourself through it.
Just Write: Is he a good baby?
I forget that a baby turns checkout line strangers into "friends", until the sweet grandpa in line behind me loads my groceries onto the conveyor so I can soothe mine. As I juggle the bags, the carseat, the fussing (always fussing) newborn and remind the almost preschooler (so close to preschooler...it's impossible. It's only been five minutes since he was the milk drunk love on my lap) to put-that-down-running-please-walk one more time, my elderly helper, asks "Boy or Girl?" "Boy", I answer. Then, for first of many times over these too fast first weeks, from the cashier "He's beautiful. Is he a good baby?"
There are no bad babies, as my mom would say. Except, he cries hours a night. And when he isn't crying, he's fussing. And when he isn't fussing he grunts with a furrowed little brow, just catching his breath to cry again. So, maybe someone is doing something wrong. Realistically, I know it isn't him. But at two am for the fifth day in a row, its harder to remember which of the two of us needs to keep calm.
And really, in these so early days, there are only two of us in the equation. Yes, there is his daddy, and his ever present sometimes loving big brother, but right now, his little world revolves around me, and mine him. And he's miserable, which makes me miserable, and only one of us can do anything about it. But I'm fresh out of ideas.
So I say to the cashier, "Of course he's good" because, he must be. He's straight from heaven, hasn't had the chance to be any different. And I say to myself "Keep it together, let's just get to the car" . And I say to the not-quite preschooler "Keep your hand on the cart". Then I load the groceries, pray the baby will just.stop.crying for a few minutes and try not to cry myself.
There are no bad babies, as my mom would say. Except, he cries hours a night. And when he isn't crying, he's fussing. And when he isn't fussing he grunts with a furrowed little brow, just catching his breath to cry again. So, maybe someone is doing something wrong. Realistically, I know it isn't him. But at two am for the fifth day in a row, its harder to remember which of the two of us needs to keep calm.
And really, in these so early days, there are only two of us in the equation. Yes, there is his daddy, and his ever present sometimes loving big brother, but right now, his little world revolves around me, and mine him. And he's miserable, which makes me miserable, and only one of us can do anything about it. But I'm fresh out of ideas.
So I say to the cashier, "Of course he's good" because, he must be. He's straight from heaven, hasn't had the chance to be any different. And I say to myself "Keep it together, let's just get to the car" . And I say to the not-quite preschooler "Keep your hand on the cart". Then I load the groceries, pray the baby will just.stop.crying for a few minutes and try not to cry myself.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
The First One
One of my New Year's resolutions is to blog. I used to journal all the time before I started having kids and going to college at the same time. Now that I'm just having kids and done with college it seems like a good time to start again, since I already regret not having these first years of motherhood saved in writing. Since it's 2013, and I'm probably just as self absorbed as the rest of my generation, I'm putting it on the internet, instead of a notebook, because that's how we do.
Only problem is, I didn't know what to start with. Luckily, there are lots of prompts floating around the internet about summing up the last year. Might as well start with the recent past before we jump into the good stuff.
Happy New Year!
1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Became a foster parent. Best and hardest thing I've ever done.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I did make any resolutions last year. The resolutions for this year: blog regularly and make date nights a more regular thing. On that note, is anyone interested in babysitting one night every other week?
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not in 2013. But this same question next year will hopefully have a very long list.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Grandpa Jim, my Mom's dad, died in the early fall. Most days I am thankful for the time I spent with him, to carry his name, to have pictures of him holding my boy. But there are moments where a smell or a song or a picture will take my breath away and I'm a teary mess all over again. Can't wait to see him again someday.
5. What countries did you visit?
I don't think we even went outside the state of Indiana overnight this year. It was a pretty boring year in that regard, although, I mostly blame it on the paperwork difficulties of traveling with a foster child and the just plain difficulties of being a moving vehicle with morning sickness.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
More purposeful family time and a weekend get-a-way or two with just Sean
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 8th we brought home our first foster daughter and June 24th we sent her home. November 4th I found out I was pregnant.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I finished my Bachelor's degree. The whole thing was fairly anticlimatic, but thank God it was done before the morning sickness started.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I never take enough pictures and I regret it every day. Should make this another resolution.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just pregnancy.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
We actually got her at the very end of 2012, but this past year realized how wonderful she actually is for our family: Belle. E's (actually Sean's) beloved kitty has been the best thing in E's life this past year in the midst of lots of confusing changes.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Fixing the flooded basement and broken pipe that caused it. So much for my cute, little house.
13. What did you get really excited about?
E's transition from barely intelligible one-word grunts to sentences. Finding out who he is and what he thinks about the world is the best thing in my life.
14. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Timshel by Mumford and Sons. It's a couple years old, but became a favorite this year. I got to see them sing it live in August and it was a highlight of the year.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Sadder
– thinner or fatter? Just a few pounds thinner, thanks to pregnancy puking
– richer or poorer? Poorer, thanks to the great basement flood of 2013
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I took more pictures, knit more baby booties, and wrote more thank you notes.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I watched less tv. Netflix has made binge watching way too easy for me. Ugh.
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve we did "family christmas" opening presents just the three of us. Santa didn't come because E asked him not to. He's totally freaked out at the idea of someone coming in our house and eating our food. Next year, he said Santa could leave the presents in the yard and Daddy can bring them in. Christmas Day we spent just across town with my parents and siblings. Wonderful to live so close.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
I'm way late to the party, but discovered Doctor Who this year. I have never, ever been so emotional over a tv show. BBC is doing television better than all of Hollywood. Firefly, New Girl, and Scandal all also kept me (too!) glued to the tv this year.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a bunch, but favorite fiction was The Invisible Bridge by Julie Orringer and my favorite non-fiction was re-reading Evolving in Monkey Town by Rachel Held Evans.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Easily Mumford and Sons the first half of the year.
22. What was your favorite film of the year?
Seriously, we are so boring. I think we've been to see three new movies all year. I don't even think I've seen a movie this year that's going to end up on the "favorites of all time" list.
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25 last February, went out to lunch with great friends from high school youth group, and then came home and went to bed early while Sean put the two toddlers to bed. Blissful.
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
There is a whole list of things I would have liked to have gone differently in 2013, but nothing I had any control over.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Fashion concept? I don't know if that even exists. Skinny jeans, Toms, a rotating selection of shirts, and a side braid were my mom uniform this year. I did learn to walk respectably in heels, a skill I have vowed to keep up throughout this pregnancy.
26. What kept you sane?
Good friends who don't bat an eye over the stuff I cry over. A steady, supportive, sane relationship with my husband. Snuggles and story time with my boy. Book club with my mom and sister.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Don't pull up WIC information on your smart phone at check out. And definitely don't post about the subsequent judgmental experience on Facebook.
Only problem is, I didn't know what to start with. Luckily, there are lots of prompts floating around the internet about summing up the last year. Might as well start with the recent past before we jump into the good stuff.
Happy New Year!
1. What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
Became a foster parent. Best and hardest thing I've ever done.
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I did make any resolutions last year. The resolutions for this year: blog regularly and make date nights a more regular thing. On that note, is anyone interested in babysitting one night every other week?
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not in 2013. But this same question next year will hopefully have a very long list.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Grandpa Jim, my Mom's dad, died in the early fall. Most days I am thankful for the time I spent with him, to carry his name, to have pictures of him holding my boy. But there are moments where a smell or a song or a picture will take my breath away and I'm a teary mess all over again. Can't wait to see him again someday.
I don't think we even went outside the state of Indiana overnight this year. It was a pretty boring year in that regard, although, I mostly blame it on the paperwork difficulties of traveling with a foster child and the just plain difficulties of being a moving vehicle with morning sickness.
6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
More purposeful family time and a weekend get-a-way or two with just Sean
7. What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 8th we brought home our first foster daughter and June 24th we sent her home. November 4th I found out I was pregnant.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I finished my Bachelor's degree. The whole thing was fairly anticlimatic, but thank God it was done before the morning sickness started.
9. What was your biggest failure?
I never take enough pictures and I regret it every day. Should make this another resolution.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just pregnancy.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
We actually got her at the very end of 2012, but this past year realized how wonderful she actually is for our family: Belle. E's (actually Sean's) beloved kitty has been the best thing in E's life this past year in the midst of lots of confusing changes.
12. Where did most of your money go?
Fixing the flooded basement and broken pipe that caused it. So much for my cute, little house.
13. What did you get really excited about?
E's transition from barely intelligible one-word grunts to sentences. Finding out who he is and what he thinks about the world is the best thing in my life.
14. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Timshel by Mumford and Sons. It's a couple years old, but became a favorite this year. I got to see them sing it live in August and it was a highlight of the year.
15. Compared to this time last year, are you:
– happier or sadder? Sadder
– thinner or fatter? Just a few pounds thinner, thanks to pregnancy puking
– richer or poorer? Poorer, thanks to the great basement flood of 2013
16. What do you wish you’d done more of?
I wish I took more pictures, knit more baby booties, and wrote more thank you notes.
17. What do you wish you’d done less of?
I wish I watched less tv. Netflix has made binge watching way too easy for me. Ugh.
18. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve we did "family christmas" opening presents just the three of us. Santa didn't come because E asked him not to. He's totally freaked out at the idea of someone coming in our house and eating our food. Next year, he said Santa could leave the presents in the yard and Daddy can bring them in. Christmas Day we spent just across town with my parents and siblings. Wonderful to live so close.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
I'm way late to the party, but discovered Doctor Who this year. I have never, ever been so emotional over a tv show. BBC is doing television better than all of Hollywood. Firefly, New Girl, and Scandal all also kept me (too!) glued to the tv this year.
20. What were your favorite books of the year?
I read a bunch, but favorite fiction was The Invisible Bridge by Julie Orringer and my favorite non-fiction was re-reading Evolving in Monkey Town by Rachel Held Evans.
21. What was your favorite music from this year?
Easily Mumford and Sons the first half of the year.
22. What was your favorite film of the year?
Seriously, we are so boring. I think we've been to see three new movies all year. I don't even think I've seen a movie this year that's going to end up on the "favorites of all time" list.
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25 last February, went out to lunch with great friends from high school youth group, and then came home and went to bed early while Sean put the two toddlers to bed. Blissful.
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
There is a whole list of things I would have liked to have gone differently in 2013, but nothing I had any control over.
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
Fashion concept? I don't know if that even exists. Skinny jeans, Toms, a rotating selection of shirts, and a side braid were my mom uniform this year. I did learn to walk respectably in heels, a skill I have vowed to keep up throughout this pregnancy.
26. What kept you sane?
Good friends who don't bat an eye over the stuff I cry over. A steady, supportive, sane relationship with my husband. Snuggles and story time with my boy. Book club with my mom and sister.
27. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
Don't pull up WIC information on your smart phone at check out. And definitely don't post about the subsequent judgmental experience on Facebook.
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